read-along part 3

I managed four more chapters of Ms. Austen's Pride & Prejudice. I honestly cannot believe that I''m still doing it. Reading, I mean. Somewhere some evil deity really hates me. Must be some righteous Paladin god.

Chapter 4
Basically useless drivel. Yes, Ms. Austen, we all get it: rich and spoiled, that's what prick Darcy is. Also: girl Jane and rich (and not spoiled) Bingley will shag each other senseless the moment they're alone together. Not entirely useless then, this chapter.

Chapter 5
More drivel.
More names I will not remember.
And how convincing is it anyway? To be up early in the morning after a feast is neither believable nor acceptable. Would never happen if this were an orc story.

Chapter 6
More social gatherings, still no wild dancing, no drunken misbehaviour. Charlotte Lucas is a very sensible woman: happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance (and ear plugs).
I found myself cheering dear Lizzy. I highly doubt that her course of action will ever procure her a husband which is rather selfish of her. She should think of her poor parents once in a while. But the way she handled that prat Darcy: adorable.
Ah, I see. Darcy has a fling on the side with his friend's sister. Lazy git. Not even willing to get his ass up to catch a wife. I think maybe he is frigid or something. A male human his age should think of nothing but shagging. Impotent prick. Lacking virility much?

Chapter 7
An army is in town. Finally we're getting to the fighting action. I was already a bit worried that this book contains nothing but girls seeking husbands.
Hm, no action. I'm beginning to think that female intrigues are way beyond anything my brain can grasp. Faking an illness, faking to care for the sick sister, all very clever in order to get into the men's house. I will have a word with my wives when I get home. Can't be that so many things go on in my tent without me knowing about.
Right, this is exhausting. I need a break and will do something orcish. I shall skip the wild dancing though (much to the relief of my human) and go directly for the copious amounts of alcohol.
Oh, drunken bliss.

Read-along, part two

Just in case you forgot which book I'm currently reading: it is Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice. Have not seen much of both so far but... way to go.
So, here are my thoughts on:

Chapter two
Mr. Bennet's common sense returned just in time. And yet he failed to secure the young man as his son-in-law. Maybe he should have threatened to offer all five girls at once. I assume that would have made Mr. Bingley more willing to pick at least one of them. Mr. Bennet is a weakling. On the other hand, I can perfectly understand that he cherishes a quiet house and doesn't want to be bothered with such domestic stuff. Shouldn't that be even more reason for him to press the matter? His wife is much more determined. Maybe the girls eat too much and leave not enough for herself. Also, there is no mention of sons. Why did Mr. Bennet not take more wives in order to get some boys?
My human just informs me that polygamy is not allowed around here. Bugger.

Chapter three
So the girls are not allowed to visit the target by themselves? How stupid a rule is that? They seem eager enough to get out of the house, so by then they could have settled the whole business. The author didn't think it through, obviously.
Alright, the ball thing sounds like good fun. Wild dancing and lots of alcohol should finally do the trick. But why indoors? That would never leave enough space for the wild dances.
Human just tells me that dancing in Ms. Austen's world is much more prudish and demure. Don't they ever have some real fun?
Well, at least Mr. Bingley is entirely hooked and very willing to be trapped once and for all. But his friend, Mr. Darcy, is a prick. Maybe one day an angry god will teach him a lesson and bestow a clawful of daughters on him. Would serve him right. Prick.

Read-along part 1

Chapter One
Obviously. I flipped through the pages and realized to my utter horror that there are more chapters than I can count. And it was such a thin book...
Anyway, chapter one.
I am very much with Mrs. Bennet here. Blessed (or rather cursed) with approximately five daughters myself I can absolutely relate to her problem. That she needs to urge her husband to get rid of the girls makes me wonder about his common sense.
Other than that I am already confused with all the different names. I can hardly remember all the names of my own offspring (often enough I don't). But I find it highly disturbing that the young man who's going to live in the neighbourhood is totally oblivious to the dangers awaiting him. On the other hand, had he been warned, Mrs. Bennet wouldn't stand the slightest chance to burden him with one of her girls.
The strangest thing is this: although it is only written words I feel like I know exactly what Mrs. Bennet's voice would sound like. And this makes me feel for her husband a bit as well (NOT in a sissy way, shut up!). If her voice hurts only half as much as my wives' voices hurt in my ears, I can understand why he tries to avoid any form of conversation with her. Quietude is a blessing lost to all of us fathers.
So, if you've read this chapter of Pride & Prejudice tell me what you think. I hope you are spared the disturbing images in your mind of orcs in regency dresses. I shall never recover from that.

Book Review?

First of all let me assure you that I've never read a single book in my life. Just to make sure that you see I'm not a sissy. I'm an orc, and orcs don't read books. Ever. Having said that I have to admit that there are exceptions. I watched comrade Noden do it occasionally and found it mildly disturbing how he would totally get absorbed by it, completely ignoring his surroundings. Highly dangerous pastime, reading. His eyes would glaze over in a way they should only ever do when looking at my daughter, his wife. So he fancies books. It took me a while to see his qualities as a clever orc underneath all this sissiness.
Now, thanks to a purely arbitrary act of a god I am capable of reading and writing myself. I find that I still don't trust the whole bookish stuff but my human convinced me to give it a go. One of the rooms we currently share (alright, I occupy against her will) is filled with an endless number of books. Could be several dozen or hundreds. Remember, I'm not good with numbers. Human insists that it's just an average number and that there are whole buildings filled with books, called libraries. I've heard of those. Where I come from that's where the wizards go to study. Might have a look at the British Library to find a sorcerer later. For now one room filled with books should suffice. So she suggested I have a look at them and pick one that sounded interesting to me. I didn't even know where to begin so she started to give me short summaries to narrow it down. Why one writes a long book when it could be summarized with a few words totally escapes me. After about half a dozen plots I got tired of it and picked one randomly (alright, it was the thinnest I could find on the shelf). Human began to laugh hysterically which is never a good sign and made me promise to read it to the last page. I agreed maybe a bit rashly, caught by my vanity. She pointed at the book and remarked how fitting this would be then. I read the words on the cover:

Conclusion
(contains everything)
You know, I had some experience with teleporting (which I will never accept as an appropriate means of transport for an orc). But the tearing and pulling and the gut-wrenching we had to suffer when we touched that blue thread was beyond bearable. It did the trick though, and we all dropped out of nowhere and into the corridor between the hall with the eight doors and the muddy puddle with the black dragon. Groisch was there, staring at us with his mouth wide open (a normal sight). Moments later, the imp, Kiba and Roxas appeared as well. Problem: the door between the corridor and the room with the eight doors was gone. So, no escaping the dragon this time. We decided to face the beast like orcs. Well, the dark elves and the other creatures amongst us probably didn't. We circled the puddle and waited. The holy symbol of our god on the wall began to glow, our god was with us (or loved watching our demise). The dragon was not very impressed by this display of divine intervention and the fight began.
Very quickly (and painfully so) we realized that normal weapons wouldn't do it any harm. Magical weapons we did have but only for melee combat. In order to get close enough to hit we were also close enough to be hit. A fact which I learned the hard way when the dragon's tail smashed me against the wall. Noden threw fireballs at the ceiling, stalactites raining down on the beast and did at least some damage. The dragon got into a spin and attacked me again. Someone fired arrows at it, hitting me instead. I blame Vorn but I have no proof. Slaag hurried to my aid but the dragon vomitted his acid all over him. Noden, Groisch, Slaag and me fought hard to gain at least some ground. Where were the bloody dark elves? Groisch and Slaag fell into the water (a familiar sensation, remember?), I could finally deal some damage to the beast, Noden missed more often than hit the dragon with his fireballs but on the plus-side he missed us as well. We dearly hoped that our god appreciated the effort if not the immediate success. Which there wasn't.
When even Noden had to take an enormous amount of damage, Vorn finally decided to join in. As a direct response the dragon vomitted all over him. Slaag and Groisch climbed out of the puddle which seemed to distract the beast so I (I!) managed to chop its head of. More or less. Vorn posed with one foot placed on the the dragon's head as if to claim victory but let's face it: the dark elves had been sissies in this fight. Slaag and Groisch had proved once more to be excellent swimmers. And only Noden and I had rocked the puddle, so to say.
(warning: orgy incoming)
After a short period of recovery we had a look around. Noden discovered something shiny in the water. Groisch, realizing that he hadn't exactly covered himself in glory here, jumped right in and grabbed it. It was a heart-shaped stone and after touching it he couldn't let it go again. Instead he was capable of breathing under water and was gone the next moment. Bugger. Only then did we all realize that the water level began to sink. So we all got into the water and touched the heart-shaped stones. Darkness, a pulse, our god patting our backs (I dearly hoped it meant we did alright), opening our eyes: We were back on the field where we had gathered to resurrect Groisch. And lo and behold! He opened his eyes and was immediately mounted by his wife Gremmi. All the orcs, dark elves, kobolds, goblins etc got into a frenzy and a massive orgy was what followed. Of course we all joined in. I somehow remember Kiba and Vorn getting very cosy with each other but I did my best to delete that memory. I assume that this ferocious display of interspecies intercourse is of no interest to you or remotely something you'd like to read about in any detail. I couldn't advise it, anyway.

Noden
(contains sillyness)
He had become a frost orc, facing a snowstorm, howling winds, his feet crunching on the snow. He started building a snow orc. Awww, our little one. Isn't he cute? Well... there goes the sillyness.
In the distance he could see hills, so naturally that's where he would go. Because where there are hills, there are also caves. In one of them he found egg-shaped snowballs. There was also a corridor with carvings, showing wormlike creatures and mammoths. He moved further down into the cave, finding more ice-eggs. He opened one of them and found a tiny worm. Carefully (I sometimes question his parentage) he put it back into the shell and closed it as if nothing had happened.
Behind him something came down the corridor. Noden hid behind some rocks and waited. A great white frostworm appeared and slid past him. Noden hurried up the corridor and out of the cave. A high trilling noise made him stop dead and topple over into the snow. When the noise stopped his paralysis ended. He climbed on top of the cave's entrance and hurled a lava ball onto the ice hanging precariously over the entrance. Just when the worm appeared the entrance caved in and buried the creature underneath a mass of snow. Well done, Noden. But of course, a giant frostworm is not so easily defeated. Noden (and this shows how clever he really is) stuffed his ears with his filthy dreadlocks. Completely immune to the trilling noise he could face the mighty worm more adequately. Back and forth it went: fireball vs. ice storm. In the end Noden proved once more what I have been telling you mantra-like: orcs are superiour.
The worm more or less exploded. Noden moved back into the cave and took a look inside the worm's remains (don't ask). Between the ice-eggs he spotted a softly glowing blue... bla bla.

Me (that is Thrakbog, just in case you forgot)
(contains interspecies-sex)
It was hot. I was hot! (no, we're not yet anywhere near the sex bit) Everything around me was rocks and rocks of lava. And a small path. Anyone not expecting me to follow the only obvious path? Leave at once. Everyone else: follow me.
The sky seemed to be on fire, with lots of fireballs aimlessly flying around. I came upon pillars and a bridge over a deep chasm. Not the pillars were over the chasm, only the bridge. The pillars were decorated with jewels. Naturally I wanted them (the jewels, not the..., never mind). But instead of a ruby I got a visitor. A small lava elemental, accompanied by some fireballs, determined to attack me.
I ignored it (we orcs have that stoic quality in abundance) and tried harder to get a ruby. Instead another lava elemental appeared. So I tried to cross the bridge (I was not trying to get away from those silly walking hot stones!), but I bumped right into an invisible wall. So I turned and fought.
It ended victoriously for me, of course, but to my dismay I had taken quite a few injuries.
Not feeling very well, I returned to the ruby-project. When I pressed one of them, a voice out of nowhere asked why no one pressed the ruby on the other pillar in order to get to the other side of the bridge. I decided not to question the shapeless voice. As a reward a she-orc appeared, incredibly sexy, wearing nothing but a chainmail-loincloth, and grinning knowingly. I didn't care one bit for what exactly it was she knew. She wanted me. But she demanded that I close my eyes. Women and their kinks, you know what I mean. But before we took it any further (metaphorically and physically), we pressed the ruby buttons and moved across the bridge. On the other side we gave in to our carnal needs and added substantially to the surrounding hotness.
When I came to again, still a bit lost in hot dreams, I also came face to face with the ugliest creature I ever beheld. A vulture-like beast with dry and dangling breasts was looming over and drooling down on me. I lashed out at it. Didn't do much harm. Instead it laughed. I picked up the pieces of my dignity and walked away. It followed me, amused.
I came upon the entrance of a cave, wherein I faced burning dwarves. Yes, reader, they stood in flames, not caring one bit about it. One of them spoke my language, telling me that they were happy to see me (a first from the mouth of a dwarf), because they believed in a prophecy that an orc would come to free them from the curse of a succubus. And guess what? Yeeees, the sexy she-orc and the drooling vulture, they both were none other than said succubus. So, killing it was a given. The burning dwarves and I fought together as one orc (or dwarf, alright) and finished the beast off. We exchanged compliments and I was given a reward: a softly glowing... well, you get it.

Slaag, the Shadow (the shadow? the shadow!)
(Contains sitting on humans)
How do you cope in a world of shadows? Exactly. By becoming a shadow yourself. You move through the air, through objects, the darkness is your friend. On the downside you cannot hold a weapon anymore. There's always something.
So, Slaag rather easily adapted to his new shape and environment. He passed dead swamps, rotten trees and muddy waters. Some of the shadows seemed to follow him but he - very orcish - chose to ignore them. More interesting, he faced a solid figure, popping out of the shadows. I mean, solid in the sense of not being a shadow. He had mostly human form, wore a cape and had fangs. He and Slaag had a nice little chat. After a while Slaag announced that he was going to hit the cape-guy. You have to admit that he had managed to hold back for an impressive amount of time. The vampire wasn't bothered, neither by the announcement nor by the actual hit. Because, as you might have already guessed, Slaag's fist moved right through cape-guy. Instead the vampire invited Slaag over to a solid rock formation where heroic adventurers faced a very hostile group of shadows. Slaag and cape-guy enjoyed the show for a bit. Then one of the adventurers turned towards them. Slaag had another nice little chat and demanded to have the blond she-human of the group for himself. He would, wouldn't he. The other adventurers voted against that, rather expectantly. So a fight was inevitable, much to the vampire's entertainment (and providing his dinner). Slaag got rid of the adventurer and sat down on the she-human to make her a shadow as well. (He does that sitting-on-the-enemy-thing a lot. It's very effective given his body weight)
After having had his snack the vampire seemed quite eager to get rid of the orc and showed him something that might have been of interest: a softly glowing blue thread dangling in the shadows.

Vorn, the spiky elf-tree (or tree-elf?)
(Contains violence. Surely you had seen this coming, right? I mean, I am an orc, we 've already established that)
After having had a good look around and taking pleasure in scaring off the small animals in the forest,  he decided to talk to one of the trees. This was far less stupid than you actually might have thought. Looking like a tree himself it was at least slightly reasonable. But the tree seemed to think otherwise and remained silent. So he moved on to get some idea what was going on. At least that is what he later claimed to have done. I personally think he had no idea whatsoever and dawdled in the woods when suddenly he heard someone singing. Voices of elves transported love, warmth and security towards him. He followed those disgusting sounds to a clearing where he had to face a truly horrible sight: beautiful surroundings, lanterns, cooked food, fresh fruit, flowers in full blossom. Even worse: dark elves and fair-skinned wood elves, sitting around campfires, naked, singing, feasting and shagging all together, in peaceful harmony.
Now, here's the thing: if you're not familiar with the deadly hatred that had been treasured as a traditional habit between those two races, you might wonder what the fuss is all about. But you have to believe me that this harmonious sing-along was by no means normal and gave poor Vorn the shock of a lifetime. Everything he knew as a certainty had been tainted with a trace of doubt all of a sudden. (I feel almost disgustingly poetic by recounting his presumed state of mind)
In order to find out what the fuck was going on he decided to join them. Unfortunately (for him, not for you and me) he could not get naked because underneath his spiky wooden armor his skin had partially morphed into bark which might have occured as strange even to them. So he just stepped onto the clearing. But instead of fleeing or fighting they welcomed him. What's more, they included him in all of their activities. Vorn began to like and enjoy it and wondered why he should ever leave again. None of them seemed to know or remember since when they all had been living together. With a last shred of common sense and truly inherent evil he realized that it might be the constant singing that lulled them into this obscene harmony. When Vorn admitted that he did not know the song they pitied him as a "lost one". To further prove their sickly innocence, one of the she-elves took Vorn with her, deeper into the woods. Even every orc child is warned about the dangers of the woods (being other orcs often enough), but those elves seemed to have forgotten about that important piece of information. She started to grope Vorn while telling him about centaurs. I mean.... He did the only thing that let him keep his dignity: he broke her neck. (You have been warned)
When he returned to the clearing the song sounded disharmonic and the others seemed to fear him. he yelled at them and threw the female's head onto the clearing. Screaming, hysteria, darkness and chaos were the result. He started a killing spree, yelling, urging them to sing his song. You have to admire his stye, really. Vorn single-handedly managed to destroy harmony and innocence, the basic idea of any paradise. Adorable. When the centaurs came to aid the elves, he killed them as well.
Of course even the best frenzy couldn't last forever. Left without anyone to fight he waited till nightfall. A storm was gathering, no singing disturbed its howling. Pleased with himself (and rightly so) he had another look around and spotted a softly glowing blue thread, seemingly dangling in the air.

Right, here we are again. Ready for the second part of the resocializing-Groisch-project? Let me remind you (and myself) where we stopped last time. My comrades and I had to come up with a solution of fate-deciding proportions. 8 doors, 8 comrades. Here's what we came up with, sorted by size of door, smallest to biggest:
1. Noden's imp > he had to face a warm and sulphurous place, oh, and also some hellhounds
2, Roxas the kobold > stepped on a beach with a raft ashore and he developed gills
3. Vorn, the dark elf with a dominant streak > entered a forest and became a treelike elf with spikes
4. Kiba, the seemingly more compliant dark elf > went to a shack of a lumberjack. He grew to the size of a giant and started kicking trees around.
5. Noden, my son-in-law and sorcerer > had to face the snowstorm, so he gulped down the two bottles, which made him rather frosty and drunk
6. Thrakbog, myself > I entered a space of heat and drank down some blue flames
7. Slaag, the stubborn and creative huge orc > he became part of his surroundings by becoming a shadow himself.
8. Groisch, my best friend, and the reason we were there in the first place > he started glowing greenish and had to stand up to the dragon (he protested, as you might have expected, but it was his resocializing project, so there you go)

A few things might make you wonder though (it did us):
- the lumberjack had no eyes, their sockets looked as if burned out
- the imp's door dissappeared after he passed through. Would all our doors do that, so there was no turning back? Guess.
- We all saw our god's holy symbol on the sail of the raft on the beach
- in a drawer underneath the bottles on the table we found white crystals, some of which Slaag enjoyed destroying. Nobody but Noden and Vorn thought of taking one with them.
Only Groisch knew what the mission behind his door was, all the others were clueless. Well, nothing new there...

Yes, I'm back just as I promised. You happy? Good. Not happy? Your problem.
I'm going to tell you about one of my greatest adventures. It features almost all of the fellows mentioned in my last post. To give you a wider perspective my human advised me to give it a bit of an introduction. So here we go:

I have known Groisch all my life. I can't even remember a time I had not known him, which is only partly owed to my poor memory. I've really known him forever like. Noden is a bit younger but grew up in our tribe. Slaag, Vorn, Kiba and Roxas joined us recently when we all united under the banner of an evil overlord, called the Dragon Son. You might have imagined he'd give himself a fancier name, but there you are. Not that I would ever tell him that face to face. Just two words: fire breath.
We quickly came to be a merry band of warriors, more successful and efficient than any other group within the newly formed alliance. So soon enough we were chosen for special missions. Unfortunately (or better: very fortunately) those were also rather dangerous missions. And it got Groisch killed in the process. Well, it was Noden with one of his ill-aimed fireballs who killed him, but not on purpose. I think. My human says this is called collateral damage. Whatever. This is how this episode begins. Gather round, folks.

Like I promised (or threatened), this is a short description of my comrades:

Noden the Sorcerer
He is tiny for an orc. But he is also my son-in-law, so you better not say anything about his height. By the way, the phrase "son-in-law" just proves that the human language is entirely inadequate to explain orc matters.
Noden is quite clever and has a slightly unhealthy (i.e. unorcish) sense of fashion. I mean, he wears a shiny golden belt, braids his hair and wears a tattoo of his wife's name on his back (which is my daughter, just in case you forgot as I do occasionally).
He also has the unfortunate tendency to throw his fireballs towards his comrades, but that is a story for another day. And don't, I mean DON'T assume "fireballs" is a euphemism. It isn't. Like I said, he's tiny.

Introduction

I'm blogging.
Why am I doing this?
The hell I know.
My human (the poor creature I'm currently intimidating and annoying with my presence) told me to do it. Lately I have developed a tendency to do what others tell me. Makes things a lot easier when you're dealing with capricious gods. Not that my human is..., never mind.
So, I'm blogging.
The thing is, I came to this world because some deity thought it to be funny. I am stranded in a metropolis called London which is a rather interesting place to explore. A tiny black box had been shoved into my hand which turned out to be a device to communicate with others, as I am doing right now obviously.
I started via a little blue bird that made me tweet (no comment on this one, I beg you) but my human suggested to write with more detail, so a blog it should be. The fact that I can write at all, well... Deities. You get it.
My human, a she-human (it has a name, but do you honestly expect me to remember it when I cannot even remember all the names of my wives and offspring? Seriously.) is sitting next to me to guide my first steps into this world of blogging. It... She, alright. She wants me to write a preface. I already have a perfectly good face that I am more than happy with. She is laughing hysterically. Might have a word with her about respect.
In the posts to come I will tell you more about myself and the other creatures I met on my journey through several worlds. This should do as a preface. Let's jump right into it. I am not one to dwell on too much thinking. But you might have guessed that already, right?