In case you're wondering what I'm doing right now (well, not exactly right now, as I am blogging this very moment), but by the time you'll be reading this:
I am a dictator.
Yes, that does not come unexpected, does it. But the good news end here.
I am dictating. Words. To my human.
I know, I know.
Could anything be more pathetic?
I don't think so.
So take my advice: If you ever consider becoming a dictator, do it the proper way, not the book-writing-way. As I have no other options at the moment, I just dream of better days.
The thing I dictate is a story of adventure, of treasures, a shrunken head, and of course my comrades are in it too. Oh, what fun we had.
Those were the days.
Now I am miserable.
Thanks.
:-(
P.S. Ha! She-human feels compelled to console me a bit and offers to cook a nice meal. Always works with these compassionate humans. They'll never learn. Good for me. Grinning from ear to ear now. Oh, must put miserable face back on. Hehe.
Showing posts with label bookorc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bookorc. Show all posts
2015/05/31
2015/02/24
The Orcish Heptathlon
If I remember correctly I have already told you that I am about to write a book about the origins of orcs. Here is a short excerpt that deals with orc sports in particular.
Whenever
two tribes meet this does not necessarily end in hostility. Fellow
tribes usually celebrate their meeting with some competitive
fighting, called the Glorious Games. Competitions might vary in form
but the following is an often observed version:
1.
Carry the family
This
is to be taken literally. The whole family has to be carried over a
set distance. Whether all members cling to the strongest at once or
the fastest member carries each one separately is up to the families
participating. Important is that only one member is allowed to do
the carrying, no part of any other body must touch the ground.
Childless monogamists are disqualified by rule and tribal honour. The
number of family members is not as important as the overall weight of
the whole bunch, so three really fat children count as much as six
skinny ones, for example.
If
I may be allowed a personal note here: The last time I entered into
this special competition, I carried two of my wives on my back, the
youngest child clung to my leg, and another tried to balance on my
head. Unfortunately it covered my eyes with its arms and I stumbled
into a river instead of reaching the finishing line, being not only
disqualified but also very humiliated.
2015/01/18
Sausage-people and orcs - common ancestors?
As I told you in my last post, I seriously consider writing a book about the origins of orcs. So, for once I did what she-human suggested, I read another book. Only this time it was short and rather entertaining (no females in lace). What really surprised me though, was the sheer overwhelming similarity between kraut- or sausage-humans and orcs, especially their fighting style. If you don't believe me, here's a copy of said book:
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2995/2995-h/2995-h.htm
Also, I think that this Tacitus guy has done a really good job of presenting his topic. To honour his spirit I'm thinking of writing my own book under a different name. I think I like Thracitus.
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2995/2995-h/2995-h.htm
Also, I think that this Tacitus guy has done a really good job of presenting his topic. To honour his spirit I'm thinking of writing my own book under a different name. I think I like Thracitus.
2015/01/15
Who better than me?
I should write a book. Seriously.
As I found out, the human I am currently sharing a flat with has quite a substantial number of books (don't make me count them, let's say: a lot). And some of these are about orcs. 'Hang on' you gonna think, and rightly so. How come that humans write books about creatures that
a) do not exist around here (at least to their knowledge, we know better of course) and
b) are not their own species?
How dare they.
As I found out, the human I am currently sharing a flat with has quite a substantial number of books (don't make me count them, let's say: a lot). And some of these are about orcs. 'Hang on' you gonna think, and rightly so. How come that humans write books about creatures that
a) do not exist around here (at least to their knowledge, we know better of course) and
b) are not their own species?
How dare they.
2014/10/30
I ate it
"WTF, Thrakbog?", you might say. And yes, you're absolutely right. Those were my exact words too. I finally ate the bloody book. I couldn't bear it any longer. Idiot Darcy telling Lizzy that he loved her. And proposing to her. I mean, seriously? The man was clearly delusional. Trust me, he was. I know an awful lot about halluzinating, given that I frequently drink the stuff the brewer concocts. And I guarantee you, Prick Darcy has completely lost his marbles. All of them. The ones in his head and those a bit further down, which I heard described as the family jewels. The man has got no balls!
No longer able to call him Prick Darcy, I ended his and my own misery and ate the bloody book.
Will go out for a catsnack and be a proper orc again. I really should have known. Orcs don't read books.
Although I have to admit that Lady Catherine de Bourgh had some potential for becoming a truly evil overlord. Uhm, overlady. Oh, well. Never mind.
I feel some wanderlust growing inside me. At least I hope it is wanderlust. Otherwise I'd have to reconsider eating books in the future. I normally digest rusty nails and monster-steaks but the written word could prove inedible and hard to swollow.
So wanderlust it is. Where shall I go? Will do some research to find out where I might find a magic portal. But first: cat. Or dog. I'm not picky.
No longer able to call him Prick Darcy, I ended his and my own misery and ate the bloody book.
Will go out for a catsnack and be a proper orc again. I really should have known. Orcs don't read books.
Although I have to admit that Lady Catherine de Bourgh had some potential for becoming a truly evil overlord. Uhm, overlady. Oh, well. Never mind.
I feel some wanderlust growing inside me. At least I hope it is wanderlust. Otherwise I'd have to reconsider eating books in the future. I normally digest rusty nails and monster-steaks but the written word could prove inedible and hard to swollow.
So wanderlust it is. Where shall I go? Will do some research to find out where I might find a magic portal. But first: cat. Or dog. I'm not picky.
2014/10/18
read-along part 8
I'm on fire! I went through 7 chapters in the last couple of days. It is also a bit worrying as I normally have an incredibly short attention span but I seem to have found something to enjoy as I get older. The fact that I can get older as an orc is something of a miracle in itself. Under normal circumstances (living amongst my fellow orcs), I would be smacked on the head with a morningstar in the near future. An orc over the age of thirty is a rare sight to be seen. Perhaps living apart from my tribe is not the worst that ever happened to me. Well, I know for certain that worse things already happened and I might feel inclined to tell you about some of that in the days or weeks to come. But for now let's see what Ms. Austen had in store for us.
Chapter 22
Holy shit, Charlotte!
Chapter 22
Holy shit, Charlotte!
2014/10/11
read-along part 7
Chapter 18
Another ball. Soldiers dancing in fancy dress. Guys, you're very lucky that there are apparently no orcs anywhere nearby. Wouldn't survive one little skirmish.
And Wickham turns out to be not only a sissy but also a coward. No surprise there. You can say about Prick Darcy whatever you like but he certainly does not shy away from a confrontation. And he's obviously a masochist, asking Lizzy to dance with him. I cannot shake off the impression that there was a lot more going on while they danced beside what they actually talked about. My human nods vehemently and praises my empathy. Whatever that is. Someone on twitter has accused me of it as well. Is it frightening people? I hope so. But I somehow doubt that it is something praise-worthy among orc warriors. Oh, that's what their dance reminded me of: a duel. Could almost (amost!) imagine them both wielding a morningstar or a battleaxe. Actually I think Lizzy might be an excellent fighter. She certainly has the fierceness. And although she talks a great deal, that never keeps her from taking action whenever neccessary.
Another ball. Soldiers dancing in fancy dress. Guys, you're very lucky that there are apparently no orcs anywhere nearby. Wouldn't survive one little skirmish.
And Wickham turns out to be not only a sissy but also a coward. No surprise there. You can say about Prick Darcy whatever you like but he certainly does not shy away from a confrontation. And he's obviously a masochist, asking Lizzy to dance with him. I cannot shake off the impression that there was a lot more going on while they danced beside what they actually talked about. My human nods vehemently and praises my empathy. Whatever that is. Someone on twitter has accused me of it as well. Is it frightening people? I hope so. But I somehow doubt that it is something praise-worthy among orc warriors. Oh, that's what their dance reminded me of: a duel. Could almost (amost!) imagine them both wielding a morningstar or a battleaxe. Actually I think Lizzy might be an excellent fighter. She certainly has the fierceness. And although she talks a great deal, that never keeps her from taking action whenever neccessary.
2014/10/08
read-along part 6
Chapter 16
I am very tired of Mr. Collins' long explanations and wonder how the Bennets can stand him just an hour longer.
So, Lizzy has taken an immediate fancy to this soldier Wickham. Still in the first quarter of the novel, I fear this bodes ill for her marital bliss with that guy.
You see, the strange thing is this: in this story the soldiers seem to be respectable and honorable men. From my personal experience with human soldiers I cannot confirm that impression. Quite the opposite, I have to say. Drunken mercenaries. Nothing wrong with that, if you ask me, but it's such a striking difference in appearance that had me confused a bit. And to what use is the shiny red coat? Shouldn't they wear some armor? If not chainmail at least some leather? There's no mention of weapons either. They're holding teacups. There's something very wrong with that army.
Also, the way Wickham is described... Ms. Austen praises him too much methinks. I have become rather suspicious due to this dramatic story-telling thingy. And here's the thing: a soldier prefering the idle chit-chat of the ladies instead of playing cards? Something is indeed very wrong with Wickham. Either he's a real sissy or he has an ulterior motive. Probably both.
I am very tired of Mr. Collins' long explanations and wonder how the Bennets can stand him just an hour longer.
So, Lizzy has taken an immediate fancy to this soldier Wickham. Still in the first quarter of the novel, I fear this bodes ill for her marital bliss with that guy.
You see, the strange thing is this: in this story the soldiers seem to be respectable and honorable men. From my personal experience with human soldiers I cannot confirm that impression. Quite the opposite, I have to say. Drunken mercenaries. Nothing wrong with that, if you ask me, but it's such a striking difference in appearance that had me confused a bit. And to what use is the shiny red coat? Shouldn't they wear some armor? If not chainmail at least some leather? There's no mention of weapons either. They're holding teacups. There's something very wrong with that army.
Also, the way Wickham is described... Ms. Austen praises him too much methinks. I have become rather suspicious due to this dramatic story-telling thingy. And here's the thing: a soldier prefering the idle chit-chat of the ladies instead of playing cards? Something is indeed very wrong with Wickham. Either he's a real sissy or he has an ulterior motive. Probably both.
2014/10/03
read-along 5
Chapter 11
Watching some other person read a book is not proper entertainment for the evening. Go, end your life, Ms. Bingley. Prick Darcy won't have you anyway. Uuuh, what is she doing? Dragging Lizzy into this? Big mistake, Caroline, very big mistake. I don't get half of the banter between Prick and Lizzy but even I can see that he enjoys it far more than anyone expected, probably including himself. Maybe he likes to be bossed around for once. I have to admit she has an interesting dominant streak.
Chapter 12
Whatever goes on in Prick Darcy's head, I don't get it. Does he fancy Lizzy or not? If so, why hesitate? The fact that she has a mind of her own should make the hunt only more fun. Like I said: impotent prick.
And someone should have told Ms. Austen that she cannot mention a whipping just in passing. More details, please. What did the soldier do? How many lashes did he get?
Watching some other person read a book is not proper entertainment for the evening. Go, end your life, Ms. Bingley. Prick Darcy won't have you anyway. Uuuh, what is she doing? Dragging Lizzy into this? Big mistake, Caroline, very big mistake. I don't get half of the banter between Prick and Lizzy but even I can see that he enjoys it far more than anyone expected, probably including himself. Maybe he likes to be bossed around for once. I have to admit she has an interesting dominant streak.
Chapter 12
Whatever goes on in Prick Darcy's head, I don't get it. Does he fancy Lizzy or not? If so, why hesitate? The fact that she has a mind of her own should make the hunt only more fun. Like I said: impotent prick.
And someone should have told Ms. Austen that she cannot mention a whipping just in passing. More details, please. What did the soldier do? How many lashes did he get?
2014/10/02
read-along part 4
Before I continue with my views on the book let me confide something.
Reading about all of Mrs. Bennet's daughters put me in a strange kind of mood. I miss them, my own daughters I mean. Not that I wish to be with them (my nerves are just as strained as poor Mrs. Bennet's), but still. It's not an easy task to find a proper husband for any of them. To be honest, I had left it mostly to themselves to find one. Well, I more or less pushed two of them into the tents of my friends (the tribe's cleric and Noden). It goes like this: if they don't get out immediately that counts as marriage. At least where I come from. This whole courtship-thingy sounds very tiresome. And it's getting poor Mrs. Bennet nowhere. The husband is basically useless. I wonder if my wives regard me as such a lazy bugger. Should I have taken more responsibility to get rid of the girls? To be honest I don't want to get rid of Shonka. She'll make a great warrior one day, pretty much already is a frightful sight to behold. And she doesn't fancy male orcs anyway. Oh, hang on! Maybe that's at the root of Mr. Darcy's problems with women. He might fancy his friend more than the ladies. Would explain a lot. Let's see how the story unfolds:
Reading about all of Mrs. Bennet's daughters put me in a strange kind of mood. I miss them, my own daughters I mean. Not that I wish to be with them (my nerves are just as strained as poor Mrs. Bennet's), but still. It's not an easy task to find a proper husband for any of them. To be honest, I had left it mostly to themselves to find one. Well, I more or less pushed two of them into the tents of my friends (the tribe's cleric and Noden). It goes like this: if they don't get out immediately that counts as marriage. At least where I come from. This whole courtship-thingy sounds very tiresome. And it's getting poor Mrs. Bennet nowhere. The husband is basically useless. I wonder if my wives regard me as such a lazy bugger. Should I have taken more responsibility to get rid of the girls? To be honest I don't want to get rid of Shonka. She'll make a great warrior one day, pretty much already is a frightful sight to behold. And she doesn't fancy male orcs anyway. Oh, hang on! Maybe that's at the root of Mr. Darcy's problems with women. He might fancy his friend more than the ladies. Would explain a lot. Let's see how the story unfolds:
2014/09/30
read-along part 3
I managed four more chapters of Ms. Austen's Pride & Prejudice. I honestly cannot believe that I''m still doing it. Reading, I mean. Somewhere some evil deity really hates me. Must be some righteous Paladin god.
Chapter 4
Basically useless drivel. Yes, Ms. Austen, we all get it: rich and spoiled, that's what prick Darcy is. Also: girl Jane and rich (and not spoiled) Bingley will shag each other senseless the moment they're alone together. Not entirely useless then, this chapter.
Chapter 5
More drivel.
More names I will not remember.
And how convincing is it anyway? To be up early in the morning after a feast is neither believable nor acceptable. Would never happen if this were an orc story.
Chapter 6
More social gatherings, still no wild dancing, no drunken misbehaviour. Charlotte Lucas is a very sensible woman: happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance (and ear plugs).
I found myself cheering dear Lizzy. I highly doubt that her course of action will ever procure her a husband which is rather selfish of her. She should think of her poor parents once in a while. But the way she handled that prat Darcy: adorable.
Ah, I see. Darcy has a fling on the side with his friend's sister. Lazy git. Not even willing to get his ass up to catch a wife. I think maybe he is frigid or something. A male human his age should think of nothing but shagging. Impotent prick. Lacking virility much?
Chapter 7
An army is in town. Finally we're getting to the fighting action. I was already a bit worried that this book contains nothing but girls seeking husbands.
Hm, no action. I'm beginning to think that female intrigues are way beyond anything my brain can grasp. Faking an illness, faking to care for the sick sister, all very clever in order to get into the men's house. I will have a word with my wives when I get home. Can't be that so many things go on in my tent without me knowing about.
Right, this is exhausting. I need a break and will do something orcish. I shall skip the wild dancing though (much to the relief of my human) and go directly for the copious amounts of alcohol.
Oh, drunken bliss.
Chapter 4
Basically useless drivel. Yes, Ms. Austen, we all get it: rich and spoiled, that's what prick Darcy is. Also: girl Jane and rich (and not spoiled) Bingley will shag each other senseless the moment they're alone together. Not entirely useless then, this chapter.
Chapter 5
More drivel.
More names I will not remember.
And how convincing is it anyway? To be up early in the morning after a feast is neither believable nor acceptable. Would never happen if this were an orc story.
Chapter 6
More social gatherings, still no wild dancing, no drunken misbehaviour. Charlotte Lucas is a very sensible woman: happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance (and ear plugs).
I found myself cheering dear Lizzy. I highly doubt that her course of action will ever procure her a husband which is rather selfish of her. She should think of her poor parents once in a while. But the way she handled that prat Darcy: adorable.
Ah, I see. Darcy has a fling on the side with his friend's sister. Lazy git. Not even willing to get his ass up to catch a wife. I think maybe he is frigid or something. A male human his age should think of nothing but shagging. Impotent prick. Lacking virility much?
Chapter 7
An army is in town. Finally we're getting to the fighting action. I was already a bit worried that this book contains nothing but girls seeking husbands.
Hm, no action. I'm beginning to think that female intrigues are way beyond anything my brain can grasp. Faking an illness, faking to care for the sick sister, all very clever in order to get into the men's house. I will have a word with my wives when I get home. Can't be that so many things go on in my tent without me knowing about.
Right, this is exhausting. I need a break and will do something orcish. I shall skip the wild dancing though (much to the relief of my human) and go directly for the copious amounts of alcohol.
Oh, drunken bliss.
2014/09/28
Read-along, part two
Just in case you forgot which book I'm currently reading: it is Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice. Have not seen much of both so far but... way to go.
So, here are my thoughts on:
Chapter two
Mr. Bennet's common sense returned just in time. And yet he failed to secure the young man as his son-in-law. Maybe he should have threatened to offer all five girls at once. I assume that would have made Mr. Bingley more willing to pick at least one of them. Mr. Bennet is a weakling. On the other hand, I can perfectly understand that he cherishes a quiet house and doesn't want to be bothered with such domestic stuff. Shouldn't that be even more reason for him to press the matter? His wife is much more determined. Maybe the girls eat too much and leave not enough for herself. Also, there is no mention of sons. Why did Mr. Bennet not take more wives in order to get some boys?
My human just informs me that polygamy is not allowed around here. Bugger.
Chapter three
So the girls are not allowed to visit the target by themselves? How stupid a rule is that? They seem eager enough to get out of the house, so by then they could have settled the whole business. The author didn't think it through, obviously.
Alright, the ball thing sounds like good fun. Wild dancing and lots of alcohol should finally do the trick. But why indoors? That would never leave enough space for the wild dances.
Human just tells me that dancing in Ms. Austen's world is much more prudish and demure. Don't they ever have some real fun?
Well, at least Mr. Bingley is entirely hooked and very willing to be trapped once and for all. But his friend, Mr. Darcy, is a prick. Maybe one day an angry god will teach him a lesson and bestow a clawful of daughters on him. Would serve him right. Prick.
So, here are my thoughts on:
Chapter two
Mr. Bennet's common sense returned just in time. And yet he failed to secure the young man as his son-in-law. Maybe he should have threatened to offer all five girls at once. I assume that would have made Mr. Bingley more willing to pick at least one of them. Mr. Bennet is a weakling. On the other hand, I can perfectly understand that he cherishes a quiet house and doesn't want to be bothered with such domestic stuff. Shouldn't that be even more reason for him to press the matter? His wife is much more determined. Maybe the girls eat too much and leave not enough for herself. Also, there is no mention of sons. Why did Mr. Bennet not take more wives in order to get some boys?
My human just informs me that polygamy is not allowed around here. Bugger.
Chapter three
So the girls are not allowed to visit the target by themselves? How stupid a rule is that? They seem eager enough to get out of the house, so by then they could have settled the whole business. The author didn't think it through, obviously.
Alright, the ball thing sounds like good fun. Wild dancing and lots of alcohol should finally do the trick. But why indoors? That would never leave enough space for the wild dances.
Human just tells me that dancing in Ms. Austen's world is much more prudish and demure. Don't they ever have some real fun?
Well, at least Mr. Bingley is entirely hooked and very willing to be trapped once and for all. But his friend, Mr. Darcy, is a prick. Maybe one day an angry god will teach him a lesson and bestow a clawful of daughters on him. Would serve him right. Prick.
2014/09/26
Read-along part 1
Chapter One
Obviously. I flipped through the pages and realized to my utter horror that there are more chapters than I can count. And it was such a thin book...
Anyway, chapter one.
I am very much with Mrs. Bennet here. Blessed (or rather cursed) with approximately five daughters myself I can absolutely relate to her problem. That she needs to urge her husband to get rid of the girls makes me wonder about his common sense.
Other than that I am already confused with all the different names. I can hardly remember all the names of my own offspring (often enough I don't). But I find it highly disturbing that the young man who's going to live in the neighbourhood is totally oblivious to the dangers awaiting him. On the other hand, had he been warned, Mrs. Bennet wouldn't stand the slightest chance to burden him with one of her girls.
The strangest thing is this: although it is only written words I feel like I know exactly what Mrs. Bennet's voice would sound like. And this makes me feel for her husband a bit as well (NOT in a sissy way, shut up!). If her voice hurts only half as much as my wives' voices hurt in my ears, I can understand why he tries to avoid any form of conversation with her. Quietude is a blessing lost to all of us fathers.
So, if you've read this chapter of Pride & Prejudice tell me what you think. I hope you are spared the disturbing images in your mind of orcs in regency dresses. I shall never recover from that.
Obviously. I flipped through the pages and realized to my utter horror that there are more chapters than I can count. And it was such a thin book...
Anyway, chapter one.
I am very much with Mrs. Bennet here. Blessed (or rather cursed) with approximately five daughters myself I can absolutely relate to her problem. That she needs to urge her husband to get rid of the girls makes me wonder about his common sense.
Other than that I am already confused with all the different names. I can hardly remember all the names of my own offspring (often enough I don't). But I find it highly disturbing that the young man who's going to live in the neighbourhood is totally oblivious to the dangers awaiting him. On the other hand, had he been warned, Mrs. Bennet wouldn't stand the slightest chance to burden him with one of her girls.
The strangest thing is this: although it is only written words I feel like I know exactly what Mrs. Bennet's voice would sound like. And this makes me feel for her husband a bit as well (NOT in a sissy way, shut up!). If her voice hurts only half as much as my wives' voices hurt in my ears, I can understand why he tries to avoid any form of conversation with her. Quietude is a blessing lost to all of us fathers.
So, if you've read this chapter of Pride & Prejudice tell me what you think. I hope you are spared the disturbing images in your mind of orcs in regency dresses. I shall never recover from that.
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