5 things you shouldn't do when you stand eye to broad chest with an orc

She-human convinced me to produce one of these 5-things-lists. The orcish way, naturally.
Here you go:

Do we need an orc coroner?

Humans never cease to confuse me.
My own personal human loves stories about other humans that examine dead bodies. Yes, you heard me right. She reads abouth them, she looks at them on telly, she listens to them (No, not to the dead bodies, but to the stories about them. Don't pretend to be more stupid than you actually are.). It seems that she has a morbid fascination for corpses in all stages of decomposition. But only if a crime is involved. Someone's murdered and a forensic medical expert has to find out how it was done.

Are you an orc at heart?

I have a few questions for you. Don't think about the answers, give them as intuitive as possible and you will find out whether you might have a bit of an orc inside you (and I do NOT mean that literally!).
Here you go:

Orcs' Progress

It just dawned on me that I might safely boast to be the only orc proficient with social networks. Okay, it always depends on how you define proficieny but I think I'm doing rather well, Given the fact that I had been illiterate when I arrived in this world. That brings me to the question how I could use this newly gained knowledge after my return home. She-human tells me the little device I'm currently using will be utterly pointless in my own world as long as no one invented electricity, the internet or four-layered toilet paper.

The Orcish Heptathlon

If I remember correctly I have already told you that I am about to write a book about the origins of orcs. Here is a short excerpt that deals with orc sports in particular.

Whenever two tribes meet this does not necessarily end in hostility. Fellow tribes usually celebrate their meeting with some competitive fighting, called the Glorious Games. Competitions might vary in form but the following is an often observed version:

1. Carry the family

This is to be taken literally. The whole family has to be carried over a set distance. Whether all members cling to the strongest at once or the fastest member carries each one separately is up to the families participating. Important is that only one member is allowed to do the carrying, no part of any other body must touch the ground. Childless monogamists are disqualified by rule and tribal honour. The number of family members is not as important as the overall weight of the whole bunch, so three really fat children count as much as six skinny ones, for example.

If I may be allowed a personal note here: The last time I entered into this special competition, I carried two of my wives on my back, the youngest child clung to my leg, and another tried to balance on my head. Unfortunately it covered my eyes with its arms and I stumbled into a river instead of reaching the finishing line, being not only disqualified but also very humiliated.

Year's End

She-human informed me that today the year ends. She also told me that the name of this year is 2014. How boring can you actually be? Chronological numbers? Seriously? And believe me, I'm not complaining because I can't count to that number (not even close). It's simply unimaginative.
Not so where I come from:

Boromir is dead. I did not do it.

Once and for all: I am not guilty of murdering Boromir. Get a grip, humans.
Ahem. Forgive the emotional outbreak. I am really sick of it. I mean, I slaughtered uncounted creatures for which you could blame me and I would gladly take credit. But this one I didn't do. From the day I arrived in this world people on the street kept accusing me of finishing him and also asked me about this Sauron. I had hoped it would end when I left London but that was obviously a mistake. So I asked she-human about it and instead of explaining it herself she showed it to me on the telly. It took me days to get through the whole thing. Clearly a work of fantasy. Let me tell you a few things about this Lord of the Rings and his minions:

Christmas? Vampires? I'm confused.

Humans are stupid. It borders on a miracle that this species made it so far. That, or there are no real vampires in this world. But then why do humans believe in their existence? I had a somewhat irritating discussion (whenever I use the word 'discussion' consider it a battle of yelling) with she-human about the matter. We seemed to agree and not agree at the same time which is definitely too much to grasp for my poor little brain.

Moving in. Again.

Let me ask you one question:
WT actual F is a working week?
I find it difficult enough that a week in this world only lasts seven days but working for five and then resting for two is a bit of an eye-opener tbh. No wonder that orcs are superiour. And it also caused an enormous amount of trouble this morning, as I got caught sneeking into the flat of the she-human I had selected to be my flat-share (unbeknownst to her, or so I thought).
But she-human had not gone to work. And why?
Because it's f*** saturday!

Who was that guy Willy again? I'm a poet.

This must be kept from my fellow orcs.
But ever since I ate that book I tried to read, I burp up some poetic lines now and then. So in honour of that Shakespeare guy whom I unfortunately  did not meet at the theater where he was supposed to find his love (and didn't because I kind of destroyed the stage)... well, where was I? Oh, yes, poetry burps.
Here we go:

At last I found it

I've been through what Stojan had called an odyssee. Whatever that is. But I do know for certain that never before in my life did I have so much trouble finding a specific place.
It all began with the unfortunate habit of Stojan permanently sucking on smelly sticks of weed. One of those sticks burned a hole in Europe's map. (I just hope that guy never wants his map returned) The hole was right in the area where the blasted city of Bielefeld was supposed to be. Burned out, as if it never existed. Odd.
So we drove in the general direction of the hole in the map. When the first street sign said "Bielefeld", Stojan dropped me at a place called "Autobahnraststaette". The most godsforsaken place I've ever been to. And - having been in the abyss - I think that says something.
It took me a while to get closer to the city. No other driver of tin transports would take me along. Then the streets signs became more irritating. Giving directions that led to nowhere. It took me days to finally make it.

But of course I got there in the end. I just did what I usually do when lost: I follow a female. It either ends in marriage or in sharing a flat somewhere in a human city. Let's see what it will be this time. Hehe.

The matter of redemption

Going out is always fun. I had a very entertaining encounter with a local cleric, a guy somewhat in the same business as Mr. Collins.
So I went to a temple here in the city, people refer to it as a church. There I was observed with some unease which I enjoyed immensely. Then the cleric asked me rather politely to leave or explain my appearance. I had no idea what he was talking about but asked instead if he knew anything about a magic portal. He didn't. I had a proper look around and found images, paintings and sculptures of an almost naked human nailed to a cross. Had I known before I would have come much sooner! So I asked the cleric about this guy. And here's what happened next (and I'm rather proud that I can remember it almost word for word):

read-along part 8

I'm on fire! I went through 7 chapters in the last couple of days. It is also a bit worrying as I normally have an incredibly short attention span but I seem to have found something to enjoy as I get older. The fact that I can get older as an orc is something of a miracle in itself. Under normal circumstances (living amongst my fellow orcs), I would be smacked on the head with a morningstar in the near future. An orc over the age of thirty is a rare sight to be seen. Perhaps living apart from my tribe is not the worst that ever happened to me. Well, I know for certain that worse things already happened and I might feel inclined to tell you about some of that in the days or weeks to come. But for now let's see what Ms. Austen had in store for us.

Chapter 22
Holy shit, Charlotte!

Conclusion
(contains everything)
You know, I had some experience with teleporting (which I will never accept as an appropriate means of transport for an orc). But the tearing and pulling and the gut-wrenching we had to suffer when we touched that blue thread was beyond bearable. It did the trick though, and we all dropped out of nowhere and into the corridor between the hall with the eight doors and the muddy puddle with the black dragon. Groisch was there, staring at us with his mouth wide open (a normal sight). Moments later, the imp, Kiba and Roxas appeared as well. Problem: the door between the corridor and the room with the eight doors was gone. So, no escaping the dragon this time. We decided to face the beast like orcs. Well, the dark elves and the other creatures amongst us probably didn't. We circled the puddle and waited. The holy symbol of our god on the wall began to glow, our god was with us (or loved watching our demise). The dragon was not very impressed by this display of divine intervention and the fight began.
Very quickly (and painfully so) we realized that normal weapons wouldn't do it any harm. Magical weapons we did have but only for melee combat. In order to get close enough to hit we were also close enough to be hit. A fact which I learned the hard way when the dragon's tail smashed me against the wall. Noden threw fireballs at the ceiling, stalactites raining down on the beast and did at least some damage. The dragon got into a spin and attacked me again. Someone fired arrows at it, hitting me instead. I blame Vorn but I have no proof. Slaag hurried to my aid but the dragon vomitted his acid all over him. Noden, Groisch, Slaag and me fought hard to gain at least some ground. Where were the bloody dark elves? Groisch and Slaag fell into the water (a familiar sensation, remember?), I could finally deal some damage to the beast, Noden missed more often than hit the dragon with his fireballs but on the plus-side he missed us as well. We dearly hoped that our god appreciated the effort if not the immediate success. Which there wasn't.
When even Noden had to take an enormous amount of damage, Vorn finally decided to join in. As a direct response the dragon vomitted all over him. Slaag and Groisch climbed out of the puddle which seemed to distract the beast so I (I!) managed to chop its head of. More or less. Vorn posed with one foot placed on the the dragon's head as if to claim victory but let's face it: the dark elves had been sissies in this fight. Slaag and Groisch had proved once more to be excellent swimmers. And only Noden and I had rocked the puddle, so to say.
(warning: orgy incoming)
After a short period of recovery we had a look around. Noden discovered something shiny in the water. Groisch, realizing that he hadn't exactly covered himself in glory here, jumped right in and grabbed it. It was a heart-shaped stone and after touching it he couldn't let it go again. Instead he was capable of breathing under water and was gone the next moment. Bugger. Only then did we all realize that the water level began to sink. So we all got into the water and touched the heart-shaped stones. Darkness, a pulse, our god patting our backs (I dearly hoped it meant we did alright), opening our eyes: We were back on the field where we had gathered to resurrect Groisch. And lo and behold! He opened his eyes and was immediately mounted by his wife Gremmi. All the orcs, dark elves, kobolds, goblins etc got into a frenzy and a massive orgy was what followed. Of course we all joined in. I somehow remember Kiba and Vorn getting very cosy with each other but I did my best to delete that memory. I assume that this ferocious display of interspecies intercourse is of no interest to you or remotely something you'd like to read about in any detail. I couldn't advise it, anyway.

Me (that is Thrakbog, just in case you forgot)
(contains interspecies-sex)
It was hot. I was hot! (no, we're not yet anywhere near the sex bit) Everything around me was rocks and rocks of lava. And a small path. Anyone not expecting me to follow the only obvious path? Leave at once. Everyone else: follow me.
The sky seemed to be on fire, with lots of fireballs aimlessly flying around. I came upon pillars and a bridge over a deep chasm. Not the pillars were over the chasm, only the bridge. The pillars were decorated with jewels. Naturally I wanted them (the jewels, not the..., never mind). But instead of a ruby I got a visitor. A small lava elemental, accompanied by some fireballs, determined to attack me.
I ignored it (we orcs have that stoic quality in abundance) and tried harder to get a ruby. Instead another lava elemental appeared. So I tried to cross the bridge (I was not trying to get away from those silly walking hot stones!), but I bumped right into an invisible wall. So I turned and fought.
It ended victoriously for me, of course, but to my dismay I had taken quite a few injuries.
Not feeling very well, I returned to the ruby-project. When I pressed one of them, a voice out of nowhere asked why no one pressed the ruby on the other pillar in order to get to the other side of the bridge. I decided not to question the shapeless voice. As a reward a she-orc appeared, incredibly sexy, wearing nothing but a chainmail-loincloth, and grinning knowingly. I didn't care one bit for what exactly it was she knew. She wanted me. But she demanded that I close my eyes. Women and their kinks, you know what I mean. But before we took it any further (metaphorically and physically), we pressed the ruby buttons and moved across the bridge. On the other side we gave in to our carnal needs and added substantially to the surrounding hotness.
When I came to again, still a bit lost in hot dreams, I also came face to face with the ugliest creature I ever beheld. A vulture-like beast with dry and dangling breasts was looming over and drooling down on me. I lashed out at it. Didn't do much harm. Instead it laughed. I picked up the pieces of my dignity and walked away. It followed me, amused.
I came upon the entrance of a cave, wherein I faced burning dwarves. Yes, reader, they stood in flames, not caring one bit about it. One of them spoke my language, telling me that they were happy to see me (a first from the mouth of a dwarf), because they believed in a prophecy that an orc would come to free them from the curse of a succubus. And guess what? Yeeees, the sexy she-orc and the drooling vulture, they both were none other than said succubus. So, killing it was a given. The burning dwarves and I fought together as one orc (or dwarf, alright) and finished the beast off. We exchanged compliments and I was given a reward: a softly glowing... well, you get it.

Right, here we are again. Ready for the second part of the resocializing-Groisch-project? Let me remind you (and myself) where we stopped last time. My comrades and I had to come up with a solution of fate-deciding proportions. 8 doors, 8 comrades. Here's what we came up with, sorted by size of door, smallest to biggest:
1. Noden's imp > he had to face a warm and sulphurous place, oh, and also some hellhounds
2, Roxas the kobold > stepped on a beach with a raft ashore and he developed gills
3. Vorn, the dark elf with a dominant streak > entered a forest and became a treelike elf with spikes
4. Kiba, the seemingly more compliant dark elf > went to a shack of a lumberjack. He grew to the size of a giant and started kicking trees around.
5. Noden, my son-in-law and sorcerer > had to face the snowstorm, so he gulped down the two bottles, which made him rather frosty and drunk
6. Thrakbog, myself > I entered a space of heat and drank down some blue flames
7. Slaag, the stubborn and creative huge orc > he became part of his surroundings by becoming a shadow himself.
8. Groisch, my best friend, and the reason we were there in the first place > he started glowing greenish and had to stand up to the dragon (he protested, as you might have expected, but it was his resocializing project, so there you go)

A few things might make you wonder though (it did us):
- the lumberjack had no eyes, their sockets looked as if burned out
- the imp's door dissappeared after he passed through. Would all our doors do that, so there was no turning back? Guess.
- We all saw our god's holy symbol on the sail of the raft on the beach
- in a drawer underneath the bottles on the table we found white crystals, some of which Slaag enjoyed destroying. Nobody but Noden and Vorn thought of taking one with them.
Only Groisch knew what the mission behind his door was, all the others were clueless. Well, nothing new there...

Introduction

I'm blogging.
Why am I doing this?
The hell I know.
My human (the poor creature I'm currently intimidating and annoying with my presence) told me to do it. Lately I have developed a tendency to do what others tell me. Makes things a lot easier when you're dealing with capricious gods. Not that my human is..., never mind.
So, I'm blogging.
The thing is, I came to this world because some deity thought it to be funny. I am stranded in a metropolis called London which is a rather interesting place to explore. A tiny black box had been shoved into my hand which turned out to be a device to communicate with others, as I am doing right now obviously.
I started via a little blue bird that made me tweet (no comment on this one, I beg you) but my human suggested to write with more detail, so a blog it should be. The fact that I can write at all, well... Deities. You get it.
My human, a she-human (it has a name, but do you honestly expect me to remember it when I cannot even remember all the names of my wives and offspring? Seriously.) is sitting next to me to guide my first steps into this world of blogging. It... She, alright. She wants me to write a preface. I already have a perfectly good face that I am more than happy with. She is laughing hysterically. Might have a word with her about respect.
In the posts to come I will tell you more about myself and the other creatures I met on my journey through several worlds. This should do as a preface. Let's jump right into it. I am not one to dwell on too much thinking. But you might have guessed that already, right?