Humans and their weather

Yesterday the world ended.

Do we need an orc coroner?

Humans never cease to confuse me.
My own personal human loves stories about other humans that examine dead bodies. Yes, you heard me right. She reads abouth them, she looks at them on telly, she listens to them (No, not to the dead bodies, but to the stories about them. Don't pretend to be more stupid than you actually are.). It seems that she has a morbid fascination for corpses in all stages of decomposition. But only if a crime is involved. Someone's murdered and a forensic medical expert has to find out how it was done.

Busy dictator

In case you're wondering what I'm doing right now (well, not exactly right now, as I am blogging this very moment), but by the time you'll be reading this:
I am a dictator.
Yes, that does not come unexpected, does it. But the good news end here.
I am dictating. Words. To my human.
I know, I know.
Could anything be more pathetic?
I don't think so.
So take my advice: If you ever consider becoming a dictator, do it the proper way, not the book-writing-way. As I have no other options at the moment, I just dream of better days.
The thing I dictate is a story of adventure, of treasures, a shrunken head, and of course my comrades are in it too. Oh, what fun we had.
Those were the days.
Now I am miserable.
Thanks.
:-(

P.S. Ha! She-human feels compelled to console me a bit and offers to cook a nice meal. Always works with these compassionate humans. They'll never learn. Good for me. Grinning from ear to ear now. Oh, must put miserable face back on. Hehe.

A few complaints...

...or as my human put it: mimimi!
Already you begin to see the problem, right?
Yes. I feel neglected.
Lately, my human spends most of her time learning stuff about social networks. When I told her, that I could teach her everything there is to know about it she laughed hysterically. Apparently I have just scratched the iceberg. But I'm not sure whether that iceberg is my human or the amount of knowledge about social media one could gain. How any of this could possibly be related to icebergs at all quite excapes me.
Still, I feel neglected.
I went outside and tried to find pleasure in doing orcish things. For a while it worked, I played capture-the-flag. There's a lot of flags around here, all sorts of flags. Some with black, red and golden stripes, others with a strange blue emblem on a white background (she-human says it's the flag of the local football (i.e. soccer) team, the Arminia). That tribe seems to be a bit more fun than the average human. When I took down the black-red-golden flags, no one bothered. But with the blue-white one it got better: some guys tried to stop me, even ran after me. Only when I showed them my impressive... (I leave it to your imagination what it was that impressed them, hehe), did they stop coming after me, Now I have a nice little collection of flags. It was entertaining for a bit, but not for very long.
So, I still feel neglected.
When I look down from the balcony of my human's flat I see a few cats. They live in my neigbourhood. And I am not allowed to hunt them. They know that. So, they look up to me standing there, and I can definitely spot an evil grin on their face.
Now I feel humiliated.
Don't you think that 'mimimi' is a rather harmless and civilized reaction to all this? Next, they'll tell me I have to pay taxes...

P.S. She-human says that there is indeed a tax called 'Vergnuegungssteuer'. You are taxed for having some fun. Could anything be more depressing?
Mimimimimimi.........

Random blogging - or: how do they know?

In my last post I announced to write something about orc erotica. My human suggested to try something else first, in order to provide less disgusting content. I don't see what's wrong about being disgusting, I am an orc after all. But here we go (the juicy stuff is only postponed, trust me).
So, in order to find something more blog-worthy I used a topic generator. I had to add three words into it and it would provide me with five new and interesting topics. So far so good. Naturally I used the following three words:

orcs - cats - hunger

Don't think.

The title holds true in so many ways. As in:

• Don' think that I'm gone. I was just enjoying the sunny weather around here.
• Don't think you could trust the human whose home you've occupied. It's a difficult relationship to say the least.
• Don't think at all. Makes a lot of things a lot easier. But that is something humans tend to forget. Which  is somewhat confusing.

Anyway, I came to tell you about something that has struck my mind recently (which is in itself an occurrance of almost divine proportions):
It seems humans try to betray each other, which is one of their more admirable traits. In order to do so, they created something they call 'secret service'. As is appears, they have lots of those.

Cards, not a game I can recommend at all costs

My human and I like to play games. So it was only natural, that we would do it together. Of course we very quickly realized that we do not like the same kind of games, but when she came up with something called strip poker, I was all game. Guess what? Of course. We both hadn't thought it through.
She was rather good at it I have to say, so it was first me to drop my pants, so to say (I rarely ever wear any, so I dropped my loin cloth). That did not go down very well with she-human (I know this sounds wrong on so many levels, and it truly is). But then I got the gist of the game (and how to cheat) and finally won a few. I really shouldn't have. Humans have no beauty, no leathery skin, not even hair where it is appropriate. Basically what I faced was a giant naked mole rat. Some things can never be made unseen. Will not be the same after this. Ever.

In the attic

There's a creature living in the attic.
I wonder how many stories start like that.
Anyway, in this case my human keeps whining and complaining about the hell of a noise said creature makes at night, as it apparently lives above her room called bed. And no, I am not that creature.

Of politics and butts

Kraut-land is odd, very odd indeed. Not only do they indulge in something called politics - which not even inlcudes huge axes and hammers - but they do it with such an amount of correctness that makes it practically disgusting.
Gird your loins, folk and gather round, I tell you what disturbs me:

Unexpected problems

I've been very busy these days, writing (dictating) my book about the origin of orcs. My chosen name for this -Thracitus - still has a nice ring to it, although orc-purists may say it sounds a bit too scholarly - and therefore unorcish - , which is absolutely right. But writing a book is in itself a traitorous act in some way. My comrades should probably never know about it. But what are the chances right now, ey? And what do I care? I do whatever I want. Dare to contradict me.

I am great. In every sense of the word.

She-human has a very strange habit (she has several of those to be precise, but I'm trying to focus here, so shut up), she likes listening to someone reading a book to her. That in itself is NOT odd, as I like doing that myself, when she reads to me. But this someone that she listens to is not around. Those people have recorded their reading on tin, just like the iron butterfly did with the song I liked so much (see one of the previous posts). So, she quietly sits on the couch and listens. She doesn't do anything else and hates it when I interrupt it (yes, I like doing that all the more, of course). When it first happened I thought she was dead and tried to get rid of the body. Big mistake. Won't try that again.

Sausage-people and orcs - common ancestors?

As I told you in my last post, I seriously consider writing a book about the origins of orcs. So, for once I did what she-human suggested, I read another book. Only this time it was short and rather entertaining (no females in lace). What really surprised me though, was the sheer overwhelming similarity between kraut- or sausage-humans and orcs, especially their fighting style. If you don't believe me, here's a copy of said book:
http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2995/2995-h/2995-h.htm

Also, I think that this Tacitus guy has done a really good job of presenting his topic. To honour his spirit I'm thinking of writing my own book under a different name. I think I like Thracitus.

Who better than me?

I should write a book. Seriously.
As I found out, the human I am currently sharing a flat with has quite a substantial number of books (don't make me count them, let's say: a lot). And some of these are about orcs. 'Hang on' you gonna think, and rightly so. How come that humans write books about creatures that
a) do not exist around here (at least to their knowledge, we know better of course) and
b) are not their own species?
How dare they.

Year's End

She-human informed me that today the year ends. She also told me that the name of this year is 2014. How boring can you actually be? Chronological numbers? Seriously? And believe me, I'm not complaining because I can't count to that number (not even close). It's simply unimaginative.
Not so where I come from:

Christmas? Vampires? I'm confused.

Humans are stupid. It borders on a miracle that this species made it so far. That, or there are no real vampires in this world. But then why do humans believe in their existence? I had a somewhat irritating discussion (whenever I use the word 'discussion' consider it a battle of yelling) with she-human about the matter. We seemed to agree and not agree at the same time which is definitely too much to grasp for my poor little brain.

Of diamonds and poo

Still no change in the weather. She-human promised that there will be snow sooner or later. I really hope she is aware of my ignorance when it comes to delayed gratification. I want snow. Now. I don't think I've ever been so depressed by rain before. Even going out for a gluehwein or a rabbit hunt isn't fun in this weather. So in order to keep my mind engaged (and off the contents of the fridge) she-human reads me stories. I cannot bring myself to do the reading. Still burping up irregular verbs now and then.

Home alone? Never.

Please forgive me for not sharing anything with you for the last couple of days. No, wait, why am I apologizing? I am an orc, we don't do something like that. This human stuff is rubbing off on me in more than one way. The thing is: I had the flu. Again. (see last post) Never before in the 30 years I've haunted this world or any other did I have such an annoying illness. Being sick in any form is incredibly unorcish. The other members of the tribe would not let you live if they sensed a weakness. So in my world the flu would definitely be lethal. There is a strange thing about humans that they seem to care a lot for those who would not make it on their own otherwise.

the mucus monster

What exactly is the point of The Flu? What is it good for? And don't tell me it is my body fighting off an infection. I never had such a thing back home. And believe me, my world is a lot more dangerous than this one, at least for the individual. Mass destruction is your strong point, I got that. But the monsters in my world are proper monsters. Here you have the flu-monster. And lots of them. Indeed it is difficult to fight them off when you can't see them. Maybe it is all a big lie and was just cursed by an evil witch. Sounds far more likely than invisible bacteria.

Moving in. Again.

Let me ask you one question:
WT actual F is a working week?
I find it difficult enough that a week in this world only lasts seven days but working for five and then resting for two is a bit of an eye-opener tbh. No wonder that orcs are superiour. And it also caused an enormous amount of trouble this morning, as I got caught sneeking into the flat of the she-human I had selected to be my flat-share (unbeknownst to her, or so I thought).
But she-human had not gone to work. And why?
Because it's f*** saturday!