Moving on

I moved this blog over to wordpress.
Please, click on the link below to get there. (I used "please", so you know, this is important)

thrakbog.wordpress.com

See ya there ;-)

Humans and their weather

Yesterday the world ended.

5 things you shouldn't do when you stand eye to broad chest with an orc

She-human convinced me to produce one of these 5-things-lists. The orcish way, naturally.
Here you go:

Thrakbog, the boy band

I had a terrible nightmare. And I cannot possibly find words to express my relief that it wasn't real.
Here's what happened:
Last evening she-human and I had a lengthy discussion (no yelling, just plain talking) about different tastes in music and she told me about her fancying a boy group when she was a teenager. I had no idea what she meant so she showed me pictures and videoclips of several groups of young humans (presumably male, though I'm not so sure, and neither were they, obviously) in very colourful clothes and of questionable musical talent.
So far so good (or bad).

sun bathing

Did you by any chance recognize that it is sunny outside? Summer in krautland is very unstable, I was told. I am a creature that used to live underground for millenia but I find myself adapting to daylight quite cheerfully. She-human on the other hand has never spend one day of her life underground, and yet she refuses to leave the house whenver it is more than an average 25° Celsius outside. If she has no choice she covers her skin with something called suntan lotion.
Well, naturally, I tried it.
First, I confused it with toothpaste, so I put it in my mouth. Instead of spitting it out I swallowed it. Tastes as shitty as it smells. Then I drenched myself in it. Now I stink. Sweet and sticky, that's what I am now. And above all I have exposed myself to ridicule. Again. Will I ever learn?
You know the answer.
So, now I go outside, the sun is shining, I am trying to enjoy myself. But: I stink. Cats get out of my way (okay, they might have other motives to avoid me), bees find me enormously attractive, wherever I go, things stick to my skin. It's disgusting. The only way to get rid of it will be by taking a bath, I'm afraid. I hate she-human. I really hate her.

I hate my human

I really, really hate her.
Look what she has done.
Don't I deserve a little more respect? First thing one always loses when meeting humans:
Dignity.
Gone.
Forever.

Do we need an orc coroner?

Humans never cease to confuse me.
My own personal human loves stories about other humans that examine dead bodies. Yes, you heard me right. She reads abouth them, she looks at them on telly, she listens to them (No, not to the dead bodies, but to the stories about them. Don't pretend to be more stupid than you actually are.). It seems that she has a morbid fascination for corpses in all stages of decomposition. But only if a crime is involved. Someone's murdered and a forensic medical expert has to find out how it was done.

Busy dictator

In case you're wondering what I'm doing right now (well, not exactly right now, as I am blogging this very moment), but by the time you'll be reading this:
I am a dictator.
Yes, that does not come unexpected, does it. But the good news end here.
I am dictating. Words. To my human.
I know, I know.
Could anything be more pathetic?
I don't think so.
So take my advice: If you ever consider becoming a dictator, do it the proper way, not the book-writing-way. As I have no other options at the moment, I just dream of better days.
The thing I dictate is a story of adventure, of treasures, a shrunken head, and of course my comrades are in it too. Oh, what fun we had.
Those were the days.
Now I am miserable.
Thanks.
:-(

P.S. Ha! She-human feels compelled to console me a bit and offers to cook a nice meal. Always works with these compassionate humans. They'll never learn. Good for me. Grinning from ear to ear now. Oh, must put miserable face back on. Hehe.

A few complaints...

...or as my human put it: mimimi!
Already you begin to see the problem, right?
Yes. I feel neglected.
Lately, my human spends most of her time learning stuff about social networks. When I told her, that I could teach her everything there is to know about it she laughed hysterically. Apparently I have just scratched the iceberg. But I'm not sure whether that iceberg is my human or the amount of knowledge about social media one could gain. How any of this could possibly be related to icebergs at all quite excapes me.
Still, I feel neglected.
I went outside and tried to find pleasure in doing orcish things. For a while it worked, I played capture-the-flag. There's a lot of flags around here, all sorts of flags. Some with black, red and golden stripes, others with a strange blue emblem on a white background (she-human says it's the flag of the local football (i.e. soccer) team, the Arminia). That tribe seems to be a bit more fun than the average human. When I took down the black-red-golden flags, no one bothered. But with the blue-white one it got better: some guys tried to stop me, even ran after me. Only when I showed them my impressive... (I leave it to your imagination what it was that impressed them, hehe), did they stop coming after me, Now I have a nice little collection of flags. It was entertaining for a bit, but not for very long.
So, I still feel neglected.
When I look down from the balcony of my human's flat I see a few cats. They live in my neigbourhood. And I am not allowed to hunt them. They know that. So, they look up to me standing there, and I can definitely spot an evil grin on their face.
Now I feel humiliated.
Don't you think that 'mimimi' is a rather harmless and civilized reaction to all this? Next, they'll tell me I have to pay taxes...

P.S. She-human says that there is indeed a tax called 'Vergnuegungssteuer'. You are taxed for having some fun. Could anything be more depressing?
Mimimimimimi.........

Another holiday

So, she-human told me, this weekend humans celebrate another holiday. From what I saw so far most people are buying a lot of meat and charcoal, in order to have a proper feast. So, no argument there. But I did some research (yes, I do that kind of thing these days, it's disgusting, really) and found out that there's a lot more to this.

Are you an orc at heart?

I have a few questions for you. Don't think about the answers, give them as intuitive as possible and you will find out whether you might have a bit of an orc inside you (and I do NOT mean that literally!).
Here you go:

Random blogging - or: how do they know?

In my last post I announced to write something about orc erotica. My human suggested to try something else first, in order to provide less disgusting content. I don't see what's wrong about being disgusting, I am an orc after all. But here we go (the juicy stuff is only postponed, trust me).
So, in order to find something more blog-worthy I used a topic generator. I had to add three words into it and it would provide me with five new and interesting topics. So far so good. Naturally I used the following three words:

orcs - cats - hunger

Don't think.

The title holds true in so many ways. As in:

• Don' think that I'm gone. I was just enjoying the sunny weather around here.
• Don't think you could trust the human whose home you've occupied. It's a difficult relationship to say the least.
• Don't think at all. Makes a lot of things a lot easier. But that is something humans tend to forget. Which  is somewhat confusing.

Anyway, I came to tell you about something that has struck my mind recently (which is in itself an occurrance of almost divine proportions):
It seems humans try to betray each other, which is one of their more admirable traits. In order to do so, they created something they call 'secret service'. As is appears, they have lots of those.

Environmental Commitment

My human and I had a discussion about eco-friendly stuff.
Yes, we do that kind of thing these days.
I don't understand most of it, though.
As I get it, lots of the stuff that humans produce will not be biodegraded, ever. No monsters live around here to feed on rusty old cars, no Iron Golem that might be pimped with old machine parts.
If you have a pet, you practically destroy the environment. Providing meat for the pet takes up too much farmland for the cows, obviously. I eat meat. I could feed on the pet, would that help?
Of course, she-human became rather angry after that. She always does. Speaking of logic, it's not her most striking feature. Whenever it comes to puppies she gets all gooey-eyed and stops thinking rationally. If I can tell, you see how apparent it really is. Logis isn't my distinct feature either.
So, we all should contribute to protect this world, she said. Like saving clean water.
I did point out that I save a lot more water than anyone else because I do not use any water at all.
I do not flush the toilet, I never shower or bathe, I do not water any flowers, I have no pets (except my human, of course). So, the No. 1 eco-friendly guy, that's me. Challenge me on that one!
And guess? Of course the not-showering-thing did not go down very well with her. Neither did the not-flushing-the-toilet-theme. Humans. Never able to make up their minds.

Cards, not a game I can recommend at all costs

My human and I like to play games. So it was only natural, that we would do it together. Of course we very quickly realized that we do not like the same kind of games, but when she came up with something called strip poker, I was all game. Guess what? Of course. We both hadn't thought it through.
She was rather good at it I have to say, so it was first me to drop my pants, so to say (I rarely ever wear any, so I dropped my loin cloth). That did not go down very well with she-human (I know this sounds wrong on so many levels, and it truly is). But then I got the gist of the game (and how to cheat) and finally won a few. I really shouldn't have. Humans have no beauty, no leathery skin, not even hair where it is appropriate. Basically what I faced was a giant naked mole rat. Some things can never be made unseen. Will not be the same after this. Ever.

In the attic

There's a creature living in the attic.
I wonder how many stories start like that.
Anyway, in this case my human keeps whining and complaining about the hell of a noise said creature makes at night, as it apparently lives above her room called bed. And no, I am not that creature.

The legends of Barb and Seb

So, these days humans celebrate that one moment in the past when their leader was put on a stick. While cross-guy's anniversary is still a bit dubiuos to me (see post from 31st October), she-human told me about some other guys that went through something similar and I very much enjoyed the stories of St. Barbara and St. Sebastian. I mean, to get rid of your enemies is one thing, but to do it in such a creative way, now, that says a lot about your mindset.

Chancellor Thrakbog

I think I might run a campaign to become the next chancellor of krautland. Why shouldn't I, right? They had their 'Frauenquote', now it's about time they get the 'Orkquote' which would be the logical next step on the typically human stupidity, called political correctness. But to be honest I can see myself quite cheerfully, accepting a bunch of flowers after elections, eating them or throwing them in the face of some surprised human. Yes, that would be fun, wouldn't it?

Orc in a wok

My human and I had a bit of a discussion. Alright, a yelling.
About a week ago I had been watching something very interesting on kraut telly. Some very odd folks were using a huge bowl-like dish by the name of Wok to sled down a track. It looked like a lot of fun. (In case you have no idea what I'm talking about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wok_racing or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUHQoD3lgQI )
So, naturally, I wanted to try it myself.
Luckily, she-human owns a wok, so I took it. A series of problems occured:
1. no snow or ice anywhere near where I live right now
2. rooftops are not as useful as I thought
3. stairs have no use either
4. the wok is not suited for a butt of orcish proportions
5. she-human now needs a new wok
6. I might find it difficult to sit for a while

They did not mention all that on the telly. Bunch of liars.
Do you know where I might get a bigger wok?

Orcs' Progress

It just dawned on me that I might safely boast to be the only orc proficient with social networks. Okay, it always depends on how you define proficieny but I think I'm doing rather well, Given the fact that I had been illiterate when I arrived in this world. That brings me to the question how I could use this newly gained knowledge after my return home. She-human tells me the little device I'm currently using will be utterly pointless in my own world as long as no one invented electricity, the internet or four-layered toilet paper.